Eat your heart out, Tammy

I'm going to admit a somewhat bizarre addiction. Well...obsession. Ok--problem! It's a problem, all right? And I'm going to tell you what it is:

I, Audie Metcalf, senselessly, painfully, obsessively rip out my eyelashes. Apparently this is called Trichotillomania.

It's super fun!

Actually, it's really not fun and I need to seek medical attention. But golly do I feel better having confessed. Now, in the intermediate stage between now and my no-doubt stay at some kind of "facility" or institute" there's no reason why all of you shouldn't benefit from my failing mental health.

This beauty news flash isn't just for the rest of you trichotillomaniacs. It just happens to be the origin of why I need the following ridiculously-impossible-to-believe, cynics-eat-your-heart-out, you're-gonna-belly-laugh when I tell you, product. My friends, you have to suspend disbelief and just trust me when I tell you--this stuff not only grows lashes that aren't there (you know, the hairless patches from, um, "habits"), it also makes longer the ones you already have. I know. Insane. The company is called Talika and the product is Lipocils.

This fancy French doc Danielle Roches invented an anti-bacterial cream back in the forties, and hair growth, she discovered, was a secondary benefit! This miraculous gel sort of looks like clear mascara and you apply it the same way--concentrating on the roots of the lash. Now, the packaging will tell you to swipe on your lashes, then follow up with regular mascara. But I find this makes your poor cilia look a little atrophied. My recommendation is to coat the heck out of them on mornings you don't wear mascara, and then at night when you take off your regular mascara (which is sooooo easy with Wonder Cloth! You remember my inanimate lover wondercloth, right? If not, read all posts). Anyway, I had been covering up my little bald sections with smudgy eyeliner for a while when I happened upon my NEW inanimate lover, Lipocils, and nary a patch remains. My lashes are now luscious! I've been using it for only a week and--are you sitting down for this?--my boyfriend noticed the change. BOYFRIEND! Are you hearing me? I think I could ask my friend to pinch-hit in bed for me a couple of nights and he wouldn't notice, and after using Lipocils he saw that my lashes were fuller?! I know I've convinced you now! Of course, maybe I just have really lousy taste in men. Perhaps another topic for therapy.
In any case...
Stumpy lashes? Straight Asian lashes? Sparse lashes. Get your Lipocils, heaaahhh!
Well, not actually here. But please go straight to your nearest Nordstrom or Sephora and get your very own. Or be utterly slothful as I was and order it online from www.skinterra.com (a fabulous site for other products, too, btw) and they'll ship it to you in under two days.
So here are your instructions:
After a week or two of using, gasp in front of the mirror often, then do a double coat of the ubiquitously beloved Great Lash on those new (improved) bad boys, and bat bat bat your way to the corner office, a rich husband or just the knowledge you've turned Tammy Faye green with envy. But please--no crying.