Malone

2. I think everyone would agree that Tiffany-Amber Theisson is a genius. Her Valerie Malone eased our pain of losing Brenda Walsh and, in time, allowed us to almost completely forget about Dylan's first, bitch-fest of a girlfriend. But I do have two major problems here. Firstly, the fact that her name (s) encompasses the two white-trashiest sounds ever uttered in the English language. Apparently Tiff's two grandmothers each had their hearts set on their granddaughter becoming either a stripper or a hooker and T. Amb's mother just couldn't decide which would be a better fit for her little baby girl and decided to go with both! We all know Tiffani decided as like, a THIRTY year old that merely ONE of the most I-sport-curled-under-bangs-and-wear-blue-eyeliner-in-the-inner-rim-and-looooove-my- clear-platform-shoes moniker might just be all the American public could stomach. So thanks Tiffani Theisson. You're Tiffrific. And while I'm on the subject of forgiveness, I'm really trying to dig deep to understand why a raven-haired beauty such as yourself would actively want to look like a cheap, dishwater blond. And don't give me some bullshit about it being for a "role". Everyone and your grandmother knows you haven't had an acting gig since like, 2001. For other fake blondes trying to get back to their natural color (hint, hint Theiss) try Herbal Essences Color--when you're going dark, don't waste your $200 on a professional. You can get a glinting highlights and high shine with a do-it-yourself kit.

PS: I'm feeling priteeee, priteeee, priteee, priteee priteee proud of myself and not going for the cheap chipmunk-cheek jokes. See? Growth.