No-Botox tricks for Pillowy Lips

This is not to endorse some stereotypical image or idea of beauty. You know--big eyes, full lips, pert nose. But, well, puffy bee-stung kissers are sexy stuff. And why not? Maybe in a hundred years I'll be telling you how to thin them out, but for now, fat's where it's at.
So. We have options.
I mean, look, if you're beyond all this homespun crap and want to have the product of a life-threatening disease pumped into your face (that's botox, gals) or suck out your ass-fat and redirect it into your mouth, or try and see if collagen agrees with you, be my intrepid guest. And hey. Restylane seems like the best of the worst. But if that scene freaks the bejesus out of you, try these quite pedestrian but totally miraculous options.
1. Everyone always suggests the old foundation-before-lipstick routine. But in my experience this poses a serious threat to the quality of your lip color. Now, I'm a huge fan of the pale lip, but if you're sporting a berry hue this season, a coat of beigey foundation could be hazardous to its tone. SO. Ix-nay the oundation-fay and try this: Just the slightest sweep, NAY, dusting of a ridiculously light-colored powder right before you proceed with the lip color. A dry powder will sort of set the scene for the lipstick or gloss to hang on tight, and because it's a light shade, it will only enhance the color of your product. Promise.
2. Let's talk lipliner, my darlings. Oh, sweet lipliner. Lipliner really is both the angel of possibility and the angel of death, all wrapped up in one, unassuming little stick. Now, lipliner should never, EVER, be "noticed" or "seen" or "perceived by the human eye". This is non-negotiable. Actually, that's not true. If you make your living by giving dances in clubs (lap or pole) you can skip this part because for you, visible lipliner is not only ok, but in fact a requisite. But for the rest of us, there are easy ways to avoid the VLL. One way is to line your lips AFTER you apply your lipstick or gloss. This is counterintuitive, I know. But just by changing up the order, the liner now blends easily and seamlessly into the lip color. Give it a shot. Oh! Please, whatever you do, don't "line and pencil in your entire lips" just to make everything last longer. I hear this tip being thrown around in all the glossy mags and beauty books. But take it from me—it's no good. Try it. You'll see. Your whole mouth will look like a muddy donut. Not cute. Ok—so we've covered what NOT to do. Here's another easy tip to remember. Let's say you're doing the conventional lipstick thing. So we dust (DUST!) with powder, then comes liner. Get a color PALER than your lipstick (that's right, you read correctly!) and line around your whole mouth. You can even line a little outside of the natural lip contour (it's ok! it's paler!) and then—here's the tip—you smudge the mother out of it with your finger. Smudge it so much that there becomes no "line" to speak of, but merely a shadow of color. Now dip a lipbrush into your lipstick and apply. Blot with a tissue. Then smear more lipstick. Longevity, naturalness, loveliness. Total perfection. Now let's say you're a gloss girl like me. My trick is to dust, line, smudge like a mother, apply a tacky gloss with color, THEN, (that's right, there are 5 whole steps. Accept it! Pamela Anderson will be jealous!) apply MAC clear lipglass over the whole shebang. The clear gloss sort of blurs the edges of your lip a little, there's no VLL because you've brilliantly smudged, and you now have these pillow-lips that will make Bridget Bardot foam at the mouth. She's still with us, right? Or is she dead? Either way, she's pissed.
3. This is my fave. This is totally wild. Are you sitting down? Dust, line, put a clear swipe of gloss on, then, with your lipbrush, put the lipstick OVER the gloss. Have you ever heard of anything so bold, so daring? I should be clipped by the make-up mafia or have a fashion-fatwa on my head. You see, the in-the-know crowd doesn't want any laymen knowing our tricks. Otherwise, how would you brew all your insecurities, drag yourself to the scary makeup counters to buy yourself a little happy, and end up plunking down your hard-earned cash for a bunch of crap you don't need or know how to use! Our economy would sink! Forgive me if commerce is affected; we'll all know the origin. And if this is the last time you hear from me, just know that I've been rubbed out. Or hopefully I'm in some beauty-prison languishing in a well-appointed cell, drinking Evian and doing ok. Live on in my memory by committing to no VLL! It's as easy as 1, 2,3. (ok, 4,5,6, in some cases.)