The Dreaded Ablutions

Now, we've all done the walk of shame back home in the wee hours, underwear in purse, raccoon-eyed, guilty. When we walk through the door, the last thing we wanna do is go through our whole routine in the loo. Ugh. Brushing, splashing, cleaning, and for god's sake—dealing with mascara? Ughhhh. BUT. Does our desire to collapse override the terrifying knowledge that some ugly little pore, some weak oil glad, will enlarge, engorge and become a big red hot spot on our face the next day? A rudolph-ian blemish that will prevent a truly good self-esteem day for at least a week if we don't scrape off our war paint that very moment? We know that when we don't deal with our face the night before, the day after presents a whole new world of pain. Spiky, hard lashes and black smears on the pillow! Fresh, proud, painful pimples!
Good morning!!
So what is it to be? A delicious drop into our beckoning bed with a complexion that pays the next day? OR?
Or what you might ask?
Prepare yourselves. Here it is. It's genius. It's one step away from a robot who follows you around with a wet washcloth and a vat of cold cream to remove the now slip-sliding face that you so painstakingly created hours ago. So here it is. It's...............
Wonder Cloth!
Oh. My. God. This thing is my new boyfriend. In fact, who cares if I do have pimples? I'm dating Wonder Cloth! It's soothing, calming, it listens to me, and gets the job done with almost no work. Men? Who needs 'em?
Wet this incredible item--it looks remarkably like any other washcloth--swipe across lashes, lips, whatever, and the makeup comes flowing off. Then run the thing under the faucet, and it all washes away! No cleansers, no q-tips, no eye-makeup remover with all its oily residue. Just a beautiful, simple little cloth that is, dare I say, MAGIC.
So drive, don't walk, to your nearest Linens 'n' Things, and snatch one of these lifesavers up for you and all your friends! They're at the checkout counter. You know where I mean, don't you? Allow me to paint the picture. You have your cart all full of the crap you don't need but have decided you must have. Now you're in line having talked yourself (and your signif oth.) into a cobalt-colored bathmat, a cupcake-scented Yankee candle, and a ridiculously tiny lamp with a gaudy, jeweled shade that probably takes like a maximum of 12 watts. You're feeling that buying-high. Everyone needs their house to smell like baked goods, right? Your whole concept of need and want shifts once you see all these new essential items at the register. I mean, I'm not quite sure how I've lived this long without my own personal dermabrasion kit, or, for that matter, a round, lit mirror with an 880 magnification. How could anyone? Anyway, the point is, the Wonder Cloth is in this section. And it is, in fact, the one thing you'll be amazed you ever lived without.

Regular washcloths are so....parochial.

Wonder Cloth? Will you marry me?