It's bad enough that Tom and Katie don't allow Suri to make friends with anyone except her own dolls, but injecting collagen into her little toddler lips just to keep up with Shiloh Jolie-Pitt seems slightly inappropriate.

Remind me to let my mother die if she asks for my kidney.

Why did Portia draw her eyebrows on with her own poop?

Death DOES become her

Typically, I like to have some kind of a pick-me-up message after I brutally excoriate whatever unsuspecting celebrity about her ugly nose or poorly chosen shoes or excessive surgery.
But today, I just wanted to point out that this picture of Courtney Love looks so amazingly like Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her, it's scary.

Berry these!

Halle Berry is what most people call an "attractive" person, yes?
She's even what some folks might refer to as a goddess.
Now, as an objective outsider I do find her pleasant to look at, but due to her horrific "acting" abilities and monotone/reedy/shrill voice, I usually avoid her work.
The point is, if Halle freaking Berry looks like a dumpy, upside-down triangle in her Gladiator-like flat sandals, imagine how they will look on YOUR fat ass.
Throw them out.
ps: I realize that's a heinously unflattering smock she's wearing, but it seems she's sprouting one breast from her solar plexus, and the other from her navel. Thoughts?

Ex SNL man-child betrothed to star-fucking, chick-flick producer

I guess I should be happy that my ex-boyfriend Jimmy Fallon is now engaged and happy. But must I send pre-nuptial gifts and congratulations when the *girl* in question is a forty year old, Barrymore-wannabe hag?
I can't totally fault Nancy Juvonen for meeting Drew back on the set of Mad Love, forcing a creepy friendship, and demanding they form a production company together -I mean, the duo did produce the masterpiece Duplex, so SOMEthing must have sparked between them. But I'm pretty sure Nancy dyes her hair brown every time Drew does and buys the S A M E exact pair of hippy sandals that Drew does and stops plucking her eyebrows every time Drew thinks that's pretty and becomes a vegan, then just a vegetarian and then a full-blown carnivore as Drew does weekly.
Nancy =Heddy Carlson
Drew=Allison Jones
That's a Single White Female reference in case you were raised in Guam or by wolves. And either way, you should be mortified at your lack of pop-culture awareness, and hightail it to your nearest Blockbuster to re-familiarize yourself with the finest film genre of all time:
The nineties thriller.
Might I suggest The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, Malice, Consenting Adults and Sleeping With the Enemy just to get you started...
PS: Please revisit the photo and inspect Nancy's midriff area. I'm not sure if it's the cut of that heinous, Dress Barn frock showcasing her middle-aged gut, or if she's in a family way. I'M guessing preggers--which would help to make some sense of this whole tragedy.
PPS: Maybe I don't even care about Jimmy loving another woman--look at his freakishly tiny hands compared with hers. Or maybe she just has man-hands. I just don't know anymore.

Gwyn-fingahhhh!

Something is fishy when no less than three perfectly heterosexual men send me links to the recent W cover featuring an uber-golden, black-browed, cream-lipped Gwyneth Paltrow.
Firstly, Gwynnie isn't a particularly known entity in the heterosexual world. I'm not hearing her name being thrown around when anyone announces their celebrity-fuck-list.
For example, here's a sentence you won't hear:
GodDAMN, I'd love to tap me some of that Paltrow ass!
It just doesn't happen.
Well, I guess it's happened at least twice with Coldplay frontman, Chris Martin. But frankly even HE looks kind of bored now. I think he's done with the yoga and the macrobiotic eating and the cupping and the sprout toast every morning.
The point is, she's just not a name that comes up when discussing general beauty and attractiveness. Frankly her jaw line is almost a right angle, she has a gigantic hook nose, and, let's be honest, all these years of faking various british accents has morphed her own speaking voice into this mealy-mouthed, nasal affair which makes listening to her deliver even the simplest of lines an ear-splitting chore. She's not even one of those 'beauties" men reference when they rhapsodize about classic, swoon-worthy actresses--your Sophia Lorens, your Grace Kellys, even your Catherine Zeta Jones's.

So, even though she's a statuesque blond with .8 percent body fat, no one really cares about her.
She's just not sexy.

Oh.
And normally, she has poor eyebrows.

But what's this?!
A parting of the storm clouds?
Can you even prepare yourself for it?
Well DO, because it's happening:

I. Freaking. Love. This. Cover.

I love that Merle Ginsberg and the whole art department at W had some big goddess viewpoint and went all GOLDFINGER on G. Pal's bony ass.
That silvery hair against the matte, bronzed skin--masterful!
Those fiercely deep brows contrasting the palest of lips--prodigious!
The blindingly white teeth emerging from her dark, cave like mouth--a revelation!

Because the world is never ready for change, I'm seeing mixed reviews, and the oftentimes right-on-the-money FUG GIRLS have thrown their opinion into the mix with the ever-nuanced statement:
"She looks like a dude."
And while, sweet Jessica and Heather, I understand that a strong brow can be somewhat masculine, how pedestrian and boring to make the leap to "dude" when it's clear that what we have here is an exercise in juxtaposing light and dark! Pale and rich! White and black!

Any fool off the street can see that.
And they did. In the form of straight guys.

Oh, and Gwyn-trow? Don't listen to the haters. Naming your one and only daughter after a piece of fruit is totally awesome.